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shy like a pigeon

Eve Shi introduce me to this great phrase, shy like a pigeon. It means someone who seems gregarious, but flies off if you get too close. I really understand that! I can be really sociable so long as there's a certain distance built in, like with .... drumroll .... social media!1 Specifically, the sort of interaction that you can get on LJ/DW. You can share all sorts of thoughts, chat, enthuse about whatever it is you want to enthuse about, even give or receive comfort and consolation--but you can also retreat, and by and large people won't mind too much. It reminds me of something [personal profile] sovay said about a writer's characterization, that his characters were "on the whole are drawn more vividly than deeply." It's that type of friendship, vivid but not deep.

Of course you can *make* it deep. I bet anyone who's been online for more than a few years has had serious, lasting friendships blossom from their online interactions. I know several people who've gotten married to people they met online. But when it gets deep, most probably you're no longer interacting solely through LJ/DW. Probably you're meeting up in person, sending private messages or emails, maybe exchanging paper letters, maybe phoning--you're getting to know the person through more than one medium.

But once a friendship is a deep one, you can't convert it back into a shallow one. You can drift apart as friends--that happens--but you'll never not have shared a deep friendship. And if you have a social-media space made up of people who are mainly close friends, that's very different from a social-media space made up of strangers and acquaintances. Speaking for myself (but I'm willing to bet this is true for many people), it changes how you interact. You have responsibilities in a way you don't if you're interacting with strangers and acquaintances.

Musing on the nature of online interactions and in-the-flesh interactions, and what friendship is, etc. etc., has gradually led me to the conclusion that I haven't been a very good real-life friend to very many people. I **haven't** done that thing that gets talked about in every movie and every essay on friendship: I haven't been there as a supportive presence for people in hard times. Not very much. Part of me wants to say that it took my mother dying, and having to be there for my dad, for me to understand what being there for someone really means. Kind of late in life to learn that stuff.

But I'm trying harder now. Still in a very limited way, because, see above, shy like a pigeon. (Or maybe I shouldn't blame shyness. Maybe it's just selfishness.)

I thought I might segue into talking about how being in a social-media space composed of actual friends lends itself to certain types of posts and inhibits others, but as I think about it more, I think a lot of that comes down to personal styles--it's actually hard to generalize on. Maybe what I could talk about would be my own feelings on that--but another time.


1And not just social media. Acquaintanceship through some shared activity can be like this; my interactions with people in my book group feels similar. Warm, friendly, but not too deep.

This entry was originally posted at http://asakiyume.dreamwidth.org/856375.html. Comments are welcome at either location.

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
zyzyly
Jul. 15th, 2017 06:36 am (UTC)
I like that phrase, and can relate. This entire essay hits pretty close to home for me.
asakiyume
Jul. 15th, 2017 11:10 am (UTC)
I'm glad to hear it! I figured probably there were a good number of people online who feel similar--though we're a varied bunch online, just like offline, and I know not everyone does.
yamamanama
Jul. 15th, 2017 10:53 am (UTC)
I prefer interacting with people face-to-face than via text or even via the phone because it's easier to gauge someone's emotional state and because it's hard to convey cadence or tone across in text, even if you're speaking Hungarian. Which I don't speak.
asakiyume
Jul. 15th, 2017 11:05 am (UTC)
I agree with you about the richness of face-to-face interactions. The thing I like about something like LJ is that I can think about what I want to say. Sometimes I start off writing a really me-centered reply and then I stop and think, hey, how about toning it down a bit. Or I start going off on some tangent and then think, ehhh, no. And erase. None of which you can do in person. But I do like that when you're actually with people in person, a whole lot of communication can go on without either of you saying very much.
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )

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