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confessions fifteen minutes after the day







The day just finished, some kind of anger-cloud settled over me and just waited for things to attach to. First I was angry at a stupid story on NPR in the morning (the second in a series of scaremongering stories about bats and viruses). Then I was angry at a client of mine that hasn't paid me. Then I was angry at my state (not US) senator.

My mind this day past has been a sterile place. Walking in my own thoughts has been like walking down a road lined with restrictive signs and people barking orders.

It's now a wood-between-the-worlds time between one day and the next. ("Yes Asakiyume, we have a word for that: nighttime.") Yes, okay. But it's the middlest, stillest part of the night. I'm going to walk widdershins around the block under the stars and go to bed, and tomorrow maybe I won't be haunted by anger.


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( 32 comments — Leave a comment )
sovay
Feb. 22nd, 2017 05:49 am (UTC)
It's now a wood-between-the-worlds time between one day and the next.

I like that.

I know links from the internet do not always help, but this is Eartha Kitt with kittens.

Have a good walk.
asakiyume
Feb. 22nd, 2017 05:56 am (UTC)
Those made me smile. That first one, Eartha Kitt's blissful look. Kittens can do that.

I'm looking forward to coming back and reading your science-fiction marathon post. The day just finished was one of those days where everything seems to be at the top of a shelf in a big-box store. You stare up at it thinking, how am I supposed to get that thing down? Are there ladders? Or do I ask a clerk? Or maybe if I just stare at it, I develop telekinesis? Or it maybe will fall down in sympathy?

Tomorrow I will lay my hands on a ladder or a clerk. (Those seem like the most likely solutions.)
(no subject) - sovay - Feb. 22nd, 2017 06:48 am (UTC) - Expand
queenoftheskies
Feb. 22nd, 2017 05:57 am (UTC)
::HUGS::

Some days, anger is better than other emotions.
asakiyume
Feb. 22nd, 2017 01:31 pm (UTC)
That's true. Today I'm cautiously optimistic will be a better day.
duccio
Feb. 22nd, 2017 06:31 am (UTC)
Rest, rest, perturbèd spirit!
asakiyume
Feb. 22nd, 2017 01:45 pm (UTC)
<3 Thank you
athenais
Feb. 22nd, 2017 07:07 am (UTC)
I get so tired of my own head on days like that. Luckily, tomorrow will be different.
asakiyume
Feb. 22nd, 2017 01:45 pm (UTC)
*nodding*.

Did you ever read the Oz books as a kid? In Ozma of Oz, Languidere had a cabinet full of different heads she could put on. Sometimes I wish I could do that. Fortunately, sleep is a great reset button.
(no subject) - athenais - Feb. 23rd, 2017 03:40 am (UTC) - Expand
heliopausa
Feb. 22nd, 2017 07:31 am (UTC)
Hugs. :) And very quietly, because the middle of the night is a quiet place:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VmJ8gRRIxFc
(for the first song, "Back home to the country".)

No, the second song, "Home country" - much gentler. :)

Edited at 2017-02-22 07:39 am (UTC)
asakiyume
Feb. 22nd, 2017 01:43 pm (UTC)
What a beautiful, beautiful treat! Thank you *very* much for this. I'm going to go back many times, I can tell.

(ETA: I didn't see the comment last night--I really did go outside and then to bed--but I'm listening now and loving it.)

Edited at 2017-02-22 01:44 pm (UTC)
frigg
Feb. 22nd, 2017 10:19 am (UTC)
*hugs*

Hope you're feeling more zen today. I've been thinking about this lately, as in there's a lot of feel angry, frustrated, and upset about - and how to find that right balance.
asakiyume
Feb. 22nd, 2017 01:42 pm (UTC)
Yeah. Some of it, I'm thinking for myself, is just somehow developing the strength to shoulder the stuff. Today is looking better--hope your day is going all right.
amaebi
Feb. 22nd, 2017 10:36 am (UTC)
Boy. All the empathy.
asakiyume
Feb. 22nd, 2017 01:34 pm (UTC)
Thanks. I'm smiling a little, because as I was feeling these things, I was having intense empathy with how *you* sometimes feel.

(Today is a new day. Thank goodness.)
(no subject) - amaebi - Feb. 22nd, 2017 01:52 pm (UTC) - Expand
egg_shell
Feb. 22nd, 2017 12:39 pm (UTC)
Thank you for a word new to me - widdershins.

I hope today things are better and are opening up for you.
asakiyume
Feb. 22nd, 2017 01:39 pm (UTC)
widdershins is a great word, isn't it? and thanks, today is shaping up to be better.
sartorias
Feb. 22nd, 2017 02:06 pm (UTC)
Does it help to go back through your journal to look at the beautiful things? (I have my birthday treasures. And boy HOWDY have they gotten a workout since November!)
asakiyume
Feb. 23rd, 2017 02:31 am (UTC)
I actually haven't tried that, but I don't think it would help because unlike your birthday entries, which are people sharing things with you, my entries are just ... me, and when I feel the way I was feeling yesterday, I hate myself, and the nice or beautiful things I can think or find or say either feel false to me, or out of reach.

It's all right though. Waking up fresh each day is a miracle, and although today wasn't rainbows and unicorns, it wasn't free-floating anger either, and I'm happy about that!
(no subject) - sartorias - Feb. 23rd, 2017 02:34 am (UTC) - Expand
xjenavivex
Feb. 22nd, 2017 10:28 pm (UTC)
Saturday I asked the clerk for help. It was more of the same right next to it instead of what I was hoping was just in the back of what was labeled. No, they were out. Days like the one you had...I am so sorry. I hope the walk helped.
asakiyume
Feb. 23rd, 2017 02:46 am (UTC)
LOL--you get the big box store perfectly. Getting night air in my lungs did help. Going to sleep helped even more.
browngirl
Feb. 23rd, 2017 06:31 am (UTC)
I spend a lot of time living in the wood-between-the-worlds time, and I don't like it. I hear you. And I hug you a lot.
asakiyume
Feb. 23rd, 2017 12:26 pm (UTC)
Thank you--I nestle right into that hug. Days like that give me real empathy for the days when you're feeling similar.
khiemtran
Feb. 23rd, 2017 08:56 am (UTC)
I hope it worked! I've been thinking lately about the difference between happy-tired and frustrated-tired. I always knew I was very much a creature of habit, but I continually have to be reminded how much of an impact habits can have on my mental self. Some solid exercise each day, a tiny bit of writing, and I can go to bed feeling good about myself even if the day has been kafkaesque.
asakiyume
Feb. 23rd, 2017 12:25 pm (UTC)
The sleep helped most. It was too late for me to feel comfortable going for any real walk in my neighborhood now that it's so tetchy about vandalism (but it **was** good to at least get out a little and feel the air and see the night sky). And yes: exercise makes so much difference. Yesterday (i.e., the day after posting this)I went for a good long run, and yesterday was a much better day.
syomsong
Feb. 23rd, 2017 12:54 pm (UTC)
"But it's the middlest, stillest part of the night." - It is familiar to me.

Someone said: all will pass, the bitter and the sweet.
asakiyume
Feb. 24th, 2017 03:57 am (UTC)
Yes, it *will* pass (did pass). Our world is always changing.
dudeshoes
Feb. 24th, 2017 07:43 pm (UTC)
I very much hope you can replace that client by doing more work for good clients. How are you feeling today?
asakiyume
Feb. 25th, 2017 12:02 pm (UTC)
I'm writing you bright and early on Saturday morning, feeling quite good (and hoping the same for you). Last night I went to a Five Colleges student film festival because one of the board members of Voices from Inside, who was formerly incarcerated, was featured in one of the student films. Her film was the second-to-last of twenty-three--which meant sitting through a lot of films--but they were all really imaginative and interesting (and very short), and it was a lot of fun. She'd brought her kids along, and they were *very* patient and good in the audience, and happy to see their mom on film.
( 32 comments — Leave a comment )

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